Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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