bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
