You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
