Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
