I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I have fence marks all over my body
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
