I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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