His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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