you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
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