Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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