she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
pop tarts are not kleenex
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
