am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
