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When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
