i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
