Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
