A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
