If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
