Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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