My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
