My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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