apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Randomize
