I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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