dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
