Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She said her name was "party"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
