Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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