Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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