I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
