Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
