I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
