So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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