Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize