is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
