Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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