Don't EVER smell your tampon
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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