you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
