I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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