Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
