Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
