I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
