Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
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