shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
accomplished twins. life is a go
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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