Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
