I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
