He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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