I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
