there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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