At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
