I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
