fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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