So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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