I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
