i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
