Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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