if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
