We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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