she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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