Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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