im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
