I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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